Intentionality in Friendship

Have you ever been excited to go to a gathering of friends and spend an entire evening with a house or room full of people, but afterward you left feeling as if something was missing?

There was a time when I went to a get-together, excited to catch up with friends and hear how they were doing. A lot had transpired in my own life over the several weeks since I had last seen most of them, and I was excited to share about it. I spent the evening engaged in conversation, hearing what had been going on in their lives and catching up. After hours of conversation, I left to head home. I felt worn out, disappointed, and drained. For a moment, I couldn’t figure out why . . . and then it hit me: no one had asked me a question. No one had asked how I had been doing or what had happened the past several weeks. No one seemed to express an interest in me further than the general conversation and talking to me about their lives as I listened.

Now, you can immediately say, “Michelle, that is quite a selfish thought!” And it could be, depending on the person’s heart. But the point I am trying to get at is that we want to be known, we want to be invested in, and we want to be cared about. How quick we often are to speak—but yet so slow to listen! What would our friendships and relationships look like if we were more intentional with our time? Asking questions is a key component to this! We see Jesus asking questions of his disciples, his followers, and the Pharisees. But then, he also listens! Oftentimes, I think we don’t want to ask the question because we don’t want to have to stop and listen—at least, I know I’m guilty of that! It takes work to ask questions and then actively and intentionally listen.

How many times do you walk by a friend on Sunday and say, “Hi! How are you?,” with the full expectation that they will say, “Hi, I’m great!,” and move on? Or how often do we answer with, “I’m fine,” or, “I’m good,” because it’s the easy thing to do even though you may be struggling inside and just need to talk with a friend?

How many times have you stood in an awkward conversation thinking, “I wish they would just ask me the same question that I asked them to make this better!”?

How different would any of those situations look if we asked an intentional question or stopped to actively listen?

Older women, how often do you ask a young Mom you know how her week was with her kids? Did she feel drained or refreshed, discouraged or encouraged? And then why she felt that way? Or have you stopped and asked the single girl how her week was, what she is investing her time in, and if she is staying encouraged in where the Lord has her? Or have you asked the newly-married how she is doing with the change and if there is an area in which she needs some encouragement?

Young women, how often do you stop and listen to an older woman’s advice? Do you seek it out? Do you ask and then listen? Do you value it? Or, are we too quick to jump on an internet search and find out for ourselves what we should do?
 

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children.”
Titus 2:3-4
 

If you don’t already, it’s time to start thinking about asking questions and what that would look like for you. If you’re not sure or think that you are not good at asking questions or knowing how, you can learn! I have a friend who is excellent at asking meaningful questions. When I asked her how she did it, she told me she taught herself over years. She’d have a list of questions she’d carry with her before going into a group to get her started. You might laugh—she and I both did when she told me! But, it has developed into a gift and a blessing—a gift of being intentional with her conversations to build others up in the Lord.

My prayer is that we would have hearts of humility, hearts that desire to know others on a deeper level and willing to take the time to intentionally invest in them. I’m not talking about asking questions just to find out information but questions that spawn deeper conversations which will ultimately drive both people back to the Lord, his word, and the gospel.